I like to always be as open and honest about my life as I possibly can be. Sometimes, that is really hard. Mainly because I really enjoy having it all together! I mean, who doesn’t!? But the truth is, I don’t always have it all together, and I don’t always fully open up about things. Today, is different. Today I just really felt the need to be open and share what’s been on my heart and mind lately.
As a Christian, and follower of Christ, I typically am fully trusting on God. I have a strong faith, and I know that he has a plan and a time for everything. No matter how good, or how bad a situation may be, he is in control. I know this! I believe this! I trust in this! But I am a control-freak. I do fail. And sometimes I don’t fully put my trust in him. One minute I do, but the next I get anxious and start wondering how I can control the situation, and wonder “what can I do to hurry this or that along”. I’m a little ashamed to admit that to you. I’m ashamed that I fall in some areas, and am (too) often weak in faith. One of those times I find myself weak in faith…and patience, is when I think about the things I had planned for my life. The biggest issue in that area is having children. Yes, I’m only 25, but keep in mind I do have a 5 year old and have been married for 5 years. I started early…a little earlier than I planned, but I still had a plan. My plan had included 2 to 3 children by now. But I don’t have those kids. I have one. I have one beautiful, amazing blessing that God gave to us. I love her, and adore her, and am so very thankful for her…but, I want more. My husband wants more. My daughter wants more. The hardest part of my failed plan, has been hearing the humble requests made by my sweet baby, to God, for brothers and sisters. It breaks my heart. I am use to having an answer for her questions, or at least being able to look one up. When she asks about siblings, or when or why, all I can tell her is we have to be patient and talk to God about that, and in his time he will grant us his will. I’m telling her to keep the faith and believe, yet there are days when I fail in that area.
Just the other day we took our lunch to the local park for a picnic and play time. We found a nice picnic table in just the right spot. As we sat eating our lunch, I couldn’t help but notice how empty that table felt with just the two of us. There was definitely no lack of love or laughter between the two of us, but we seemed so small in comparison to all that empty space. It was at that time my daughter mentioned how there was so much space left where other kids could sit, if there were any. I said, “yup, maybe one day we will have enough to fill it up”. She looked at me seriously and said, “I hope so! I would really like it if we could have at least three brothers, and two sisters! Then it would be even…three boys and three girls. That would be fun!” My heart hurt a little for her in that moment, because I was an only child for a long time, and I longed for brothers and sisters. I agreed with her, that her idea sounded great, and that hopefully one day she would have siblings.
I never really even knew of infertility until I experienced it myself. And it didn’t take me long to realize that so many other women have experienced that pain as well. It is a pain that runs so deep that I would never wish it on my very worst enemy. It affects the entire family, and even beyond. Truth be told, sometimes it makes ya a little crazy. It is time consuming and costly, and never fun. It does however, give you more gratitude for the child or children you do have, and opens your eyes to the fact that children truly are a blessing from God. I don’t know what God’s plan is for us. I don’t know if we will end up adopting or having a multitude of our own children. I don’t know that we will ever have another child. What I do know, is that we will continue praying and as hard as it is for me, I will keep the faith. I believe that God wants to bless us, all of us. He blesses each of us daily. What I don’t know is how or when he will choose to bless us with another child. I haven’t found that place where I can say I’m okay with just having one, and I don’t know when I’ll get to that place. I’ve wanted a house full of kids since I was a little girl, so that is a dream that will be very hard for me to let go of. However, I work daily on desire to control the situation. I remind myself daily that God is in control, and he can handle this…because I sure can’t. Three years of trying has been trying, but my husband and I are committed to not stressing over it, and keeping faith that God will bless us again when He is ready. Making that kind of commitment to one another has helped us immensely. We have grown in our faith, in patience, in understanding, and in our relationship. Now that, I believe, was def. part of God’s plan for us. We may have never seen it coming, but I’m glad it did. And it is because of my faith in God that I can rejoice with my family and friends who are being blessed with children. I am not bitter, nor am I jealous. I might think to myself now and then that I can’t wait for that to be again one day, but I can truly rejoice with them over their blessings.
This week my daughter is learning all about our five senses. On my way home for work yesterday, I was thinking to myself about the project we were going to do when we got home. We were going to go outside and do a five senses discovery project where she would list the senses, and then go out and find something for each one. She would then write it, and draw it in her journal. That lead me to begin thinking about our five senses and God. God created us, and gave us these senses, yet we can’t see God, we can’t smell him, we can’t touch him, we can’t taste him, and we can’t [audibly] hear God. Yet, we believe in him. We have to have faith to believe him. Then I thought for a moment, and realized that maybe we actually have six senses, but not everyone will discover that sixth sense because that sixth sense is faith. I continued to think about all of that for a while (I won’t bore you with all my crazy thoughts..lol), and then began to think about the fact that sometimes not all of our five senses work properly, or maybe our ears get stopped up and we can’t hear very well, or we get a stuffy nose and can’t smell or taste things for a few days. Well, sometimes our faith is like that…sometimes MY faith is like that; it is temporarily not functioning properly and I have to take the necessary steps to get it fully functioning again. And that is exactly what God is wanting me to do with my faith in this situation.